Grateful

something new from Some Guy Says

Oh Lordy!

I thought I had posted this piece already, but I have trolled through all the other posts, and I just don’t see it.

So.

In case I missed something and you have heard this all before, I apologize.

Truth to tell, I know I have shared this in almost every single RAWTalk I have ever done because I think it is just that important.

So maybe that’s what’s got me confused.

Oh well.

I need to say quickly that it is tricky business to write about gratitude. So much of what there is to say — all the stuff I’m grateful for — can sound like bragging. Truth is, a lot of what there is to be grateful for isn’t just handed to us. Some of it…a big chunk of it…can be hard won, come from a down-and-out place, or happen after we’ve had the sense and the stuffing and the shit kicked right out of us.

And that is why gratitude is often called a practice. It doesn’t always come easily or naturally….until it does.

Know what I mean?

Here we go.

My gratitude story – my gratitude practice – re-wired my brain and made things that I thought were unimaginable or unattainable possible.

It started out one lonesome night during the pandemic, like, in 2020 or 01.

See, my eyes flop open every night at 3am. In those days, I would wake up to an anxiety ridden panic. My interior monolog would be horrific. I would say things to myself that you would not say to your worst enemy.

Like:

Jesus Christ, Bob – how did you get to be so fuckin’ fat anyway? No idea? Really? Well, I’ll tell you– it’s cuz you’re stupid! And you know what else? It’s not a secret! Everybody knows you are fat AND you are stupid: everybody everybody everybody knows!

Bim Bam Boom Done.

See what I mean?

And that’s just, like, one example.

Sheesh!

So one night, I woke up, and I was really going to town on my wretchedness when out of nowhere I felt this voice:

Stop! Just stop!

Breathe.

Beathe some more.

Ok. So.

Now…looky here…you are just not allowed to talk to yourself like that..ok little Buddy? You just can’t.

Got it?

So here’s what we are going to do instead —

Where are you — not existentially, but literally — right now?

Me: Me? Well, I am in my warm and snuggley little bed...and...I mean, I am a gay man...so…it’s pretty.

…featuring artwork by Chrissie Pierre, Ronnie Land, and Martin Wander

Voice: And?

Me: And my little dog is a-snooze in her pretty little bed right beside me.

Voice: Exactly right! So! Where in the whole of the cosmos would it be better for you to be right now?

Me: Umm...uh...nowhere?

Voice: Ding Ding Ding! Exactly right again! So! Let’s dig a little deeper. What’s beautiful in your world? What’s working for you?

And so it began. I started thinking about all the things that I was grateful for.

At first it was like trying to crank an old out-of-gas lawn mower with a busted chain. But then I thought of something…and then I thought of something else…and then…there were, like, a lot of thoughts!

I am pretty OCD. I require so much structure that, after two or three nights, I thought: Hey! I should alphabetize this.

So I did.

And to make it a little easier, I anticipated tricky letters. Like Q, right?

— I am grateful for Queens, Queers, and Q-tips!

Cuz you know you gotta have them!

A lot of you who are reading this — you are on my list, too. I call it my Love and Light List.

Over time, I saw that my list of all the things and situations and people I was grateful for was...well…very like the way I was starting to think about my life: beautiful and thrilling and fun and thoughtful and exotic and creative…and important. Especially when I realized I was grateful for people who had, like, really dicked me over or pissed me off…because, you see…I had learned something from them. Or like when I discovered I could be grateful for things I’d done poorly my own self or to some disastrous effect of my own making or with some falseness of pride or intention or some other personal and petty bullshit. Because I was able to move forward a little bit.

These are gifts.

Lately, I’ve grown a little less structured and a little more open and immediate. I think more about what I am grateful for today.

Today I am grateful for

— the colder weather (I do not care for the heat, I love the cold, and today was perfect!)

— the bright sunshine (on a cold day? Nothing better!)

— a super fun visit with my friend Emily at our place, the Little Jumbo

that’s not me…that’s Jacob and Emily!

— OH! the Little Jumbo

— the fact that spring happened, like, overnight — it’s as stunning here as fall

— Trader Joe’s (y’all! those French Gallette Butter Cookies? Listen to me: Best things I have ever put in my mouth — ever. Do NOT make me say it again…Best. Things. Ever. I am not even kidding…although…I did have a southern pecan cookie at a coffee shop in Murray Hill in Jacksonville that came, like, so so close)

— a secret about my sister that I canNOT wait to share – it is a super good one (scroll to the very bottom to see…!)

— the courage and bravery and determination and creativity and humor of resistors

— my amazing job at the Battery Park Book Exchange and Champagne Bar

— these instruments

— food

— community

Tea, Kristie, and Ezra — guardian angels all

— Charlotte

— swear words, swearing, and cussing. I am serious...I love swearing…and I have to say, I am good at it. My swearing, generally speaking, is not warranted; it is gratuitous…know what I mean? See, in a real situation, I think I conduct myself pretty well, but elsewise…swearing feels as good going out as those cookies taste coming in. (BTW…I’ll tell you what does annoy me about swearing, though: it’s those writers who don’t know the differences among profanity, vulgarity and obscenity, and — while I myself am grateful for, and even thrive upon, this highly nuanced understanding — if you don’t know the differences, then I think we’d all be grateful for your silence in the cursing space)

— and Bella. Oh Bella. Bella Bella Bella. We did not pick each other, you and me, but here we are, and it’s pretty good, wouldn’t you say?

— Special Shout Out to Kevin who has such a heart for dogs and who takes care of Bella when I’m having a long day at the Store: Bella and I are both so grateful

— I will always on a daily basis be grateful for my family – my siblings

— my most-dearest friends

I think everyone knows that all my friends are pretty and smart, so, like, yeah, there are a couple of stragglers in here…and I reckon I am grateful for them, too

— and alla my straight boyfriends

ancient woollybooggers — photo from Scott

— my big fat body which serves me so well and which, by the way, has lost 16 pounds since October – Go Me! I am very grateful for that!

Note to Self: Always be grateful for your body — never say harsh things about it. It is a miracle that always does things to sustain and inform and uplift you that you can’t ever even imagine or know

— my head of white hair and every strand that valiantly still holds on

— seasons and nature and the world around us

— art, beauty, music

— ohmigosh! so much more!

I am also grateful, too, for tough times, hard luck, tricky situations, and difficult people.

Because…people.

Am I right?…!

I used to say — and I still do — that people, generally speaking, are no damn good. And by people, I mean you AND me. And, as no-damn-good-people, we require kindness and compassion from ourselves and others at all times. And because kindness and compassion are required of us/you — and I see you; I know you are dishing it out all the time — we must tend to ourselves with great and deliberate and intentional care; elsewise, the well runs dry, the saw grows dull, and we run the risk of turning into no-damn-good-people our own selves.

Believe me when I tell you: I know this is so.

Taking great care means, among other things, being grateful for everything.

Including — and especially — people.

See, another of the things I have learned – and that I know for sure – is that if you are paying any attention to anything at all there is ALWAYS something there that is for you.

For you.

The worst things that have ever happened to me have yielded my very best blessings.

So?

Were they the worst things? Really?

Well. I am old-ish now, so there have been, like, a LOT of worst things placed along my merry path. And, at least in my case as I get older, some of those things get worser and worser…BUT…the beautiful thing is that I just don’t care nearly as much and THAT, my dear sweethearts, is a real gift to be grateful for!

Here’s a story:

It has been the longing of my heart to live here in the mountains of Western North Carolina since I last lived here when I was five years old. My mama’s people, as we in the South like to say, are from here. This is where I feel most at home on the planet. I never thought I could make a life for myself happen here. But I believe with all my heart that my gratitude practice re-wired my brain so that, when the opportunity came along to move here, I didn’t castigate myself for being too stupid or too fat as I had done time and time over and again.

Instead, I jumped!

Well. That opportunity was wrapped up in a job that famously did not work out.

Like…at all.

Again…not a secret.

BUT

That job got me here, and it set me on a path that allows me to work and serve in creative spaces I could never have elsewise imagined for myself.

So I am grateful for the purpose in my life that that job unwittingly created and served.

AND, you know what? As a function of that work, someone said to me just today: You are a real artist.

How am I not to be grateful for that?

Beyond that…I do not care. Show’s over, folks: move on.

Know what I mean?

Be grateful.

Sometimes, I miss the Great Big Life I had in Jacksonville, but mostly when I think about that, I am grateful for the experience. And I smile. Mostly.

But —

In every way imaginable —

I don’t live there anymore.

Move on. Be grateful.

Here…well…nobody knows me. Not really. Charlotte used to say, People always want to know what you are really like. In answer, Maria once said, What you see is what you get. And she’s right. There’s not much more than that.

Mrs. Parker once said, “There is less here than meets the eye!”

In the mountains, there’s no context and no history and, thus, no real expectation. I inhabit a wide open space, a blank(er) canvas. There is a whole lot of freedom for creating something wholly new and mine. I am perfectly placed. It’s unfamiliar here for me, too, so sometimes, yeah, I fumble about and fuck up, but it doesn’t matter nearly so much. It seems to me that we are liable to fumble about and fuck up wherever we are anyway.

What a gift it is to fumble about! What a blessing to fuck up where the accountability is just and only (or mostly) to myself!

I mean, I suppose that’s true regardless. What’s that old expression? Oh yes: Wherever you go, there you are!

How many people get to know that at this time of life?

Lordy! I never planned to live to be this old, and sometimes I think I need a new plan. Trust me: it is very difficult to make new plans in old places.

FWIW — I will be 70 this year and so here I am and here I will stay.

As I have written here before, it has been pointed out to me that I have never been in a situation in my life that didn’t work out. Well, you know what? A LOT of things didn’t work out my way, didn’t work out for me at all, but — honest to God — if all of the things I had wanted, say, as a young man had come to be, I would be dead or in jail.

So? Did things work out or not?

Right now, I have to say that I know I am a highly privileged white man. I have a built in expectation that things will work out. Right? A lot of people do not have that. I get to think about how I will use my privilege. Not everyone gets to. And of those who can, not many will.

So?

Check this out: I am the weekend host at the Battery Park Book Exchange and Champagne Bar. Say that five times real fast and know that I love this work!

At first, I thought this would be a stopgap until a “real job” came along. But…this is a Real Job AND It Is Perfect for me! I work three days a week. I am on my feet running the whole time — getting those steps in and shedding LBs! I am fostering a focus on other people — customers, co-workers, bosses and owners like our new leader, Matt.

You know how much I love the interplay of glassware and light — grateful for this beauty from the dishpit at the Book Exchange

In the early days of this work, well, it was tough. Service work is hard. I was…surprised. Emily needed to remind me, “It’s hospitality, Bob, not hostility.”

Jesus.

Whatever.

I invented a word for my attitude: hostipitality.

Just the other day, Em said, “You’ve really come a long way since you started,” and — Folks! — that made my heart sing because Emily is the standard, she is The Best. Every single day, she is somebody’s hero, more often than not mine. It’s not a secret.

Here’s Emily being a delight with the pals — photo by Ella

I’m not the best, and I still have so much to learn…but…I am so grateful for her.

And plus besides which…

I had no idea how hard on your body service work is. And I mean…it is. The first week, I thought I would die. The second week, I hoped I would. Then I got great shoes with inserts! So grateful! Now I am strong and I can wear whatever shoes I please!

So grateful!

A long time ago, my finance guy said, You will need to work til the day you die, and you will need to live a really long time! But here I am: I get up when I wake up — usually by 7am, but not always. I put on whatever suits. I’m growing my hair out and I have this fierce undercut because I want to be able to tie it up at the nape of my neck in time for my birthday because I am vain like that. I stick shit in it — not like on a Keith-Richards-like-level, but…who knows? I know I sometimes present as ridiculous. So? Who have I got to please? I run my little errands and do my little Bob things and still I show up right on time in unexpected places because I don’t have a board of directors and I’m not putting anyone’s kids through college.

If I were retired, this is just exactly how I would live.

AND I get report to you.

So grateful!

But there is more —

Working in the service industry also informs my work as an end of life caregiver more than just about anything else. It calls me to a different way of showing up and being present because it places me right inside my body.

I oftentimes work on gratitude with someone who is passing, whose body is letting go. We create peace and ease for that body in order for the spirit to expand, swell, and move. That’s the goal anyway.

I learned to do this from having been a long distance runner. There was a time in my life when I used to run 70 miles a week. Three miles in, your body just takes over and your mind is free! Free to wander or wonder or solve or roam or imagine or aspire or just be available to see the day in all of its color or listen to bird’s songs. I could expand and swell and move.

We’re at that time in the spring when it is dead quiet when Bella and I first leave the house for her morning constitutional. Then there is a little tweet over here, a little trill over there, a caw, a honk, a screech, and…what’s that? A hoot?! And suddenly the whole neighborhood is alive with birdsong!

How can you not hold that space in gratitude and awe?

That said, it’s true that I wrecked my knees from all that running. So? I got me some new knees! See? —

an x-ray of my new 14 year old knees

Here’s the thing —

I know that everything that has happened – all that running, walking, crying, crawling, loving, raging, step by step, inch by inch, mile by mile, victory by victory, loss by loss – has brought me to the place where I am literally (in my town, in my home) and spiritually (in my space, in My Home). So loss is not failure; it is just good information for you.

And you get to be grateful for that, too.

Remember: if you are paying this much attention [snap your fingers Right NOW] to anything in any moment, there is something there for you.

For you.

I still wake up at 3am. I roll over and say to my oh-so-smart speaker, Hey Google, what time is it?

Google: It’s 2:59am.

Me. Oh. Ok… OH! It’s gratitude time! Thank you, thank you!

And I practice.

If you are reading this, I am deeply grateful for you. It is not trite, it is truth.

So?

I am curious — and I would love to know: what are you grateful for today?

Some Guy Says is written by Robert Arleigh White and distributed via Substack twice a month — give or take — and benefits mightily from the editorial support provided by Canetha Dodd — to whom and for which I am truly grateful — and also, as it happens, from my sister Doris who is the recipient of this year’s Arts Educator Award from the Cultural Council of Greater Jacksonville. I am giddy with pride!

All images in this post are mine unless otherwise credited.

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